"Welcome to the report ladies and gentleman. Thank you for joining us."
*Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!*
"Here's what we know so far. At 11:32am all the computers at the NYSE went dark."
"Do you understand that for nearly four hours America's bankers had no idea how rich they were?"
"Stock exchange IT guys, my hat is off to you. Or it would be if I wasn't using it to filter my urine."
"Think of the economic consequences here! If we put a woman on the one dollar bill it'll be worth only 77 cents. Just from a moral point of view if my wallet is filled with ladies, I can't keep it next to my butt I'm a married man!"
"I think the contest is a great idea but here's the thing, no one from Jeb's campaign asked if this is okay with me to raise money off my first show. Where's my cut of that sweet three bucks Governor? House always gets its beak wet! Where's the vig Gov. And again I'm sorry I'm yelling, but you're the one who put an exclamation mark next to your name."
"Now, I'm already on the gold standard, folks, and it works great. ... Jay the Intern everybody. Now Jay, did you go buy me my coffee?" Stephen Colbert said
"Yes, four sugars, 2 1/2 half-and-halfs." Jay the Intern responded.
"Got it. All right. Now do you have change for this ingot?" Stephen Colbert said.
"Sure. It's three doubloons, two silver talents, a sapphire the size of a plover's egg, half a bolt of Chinese silk, and twelve drams of the finest Iberian saffron." Jay the Intern said.
"We're not so different he and I. We both get it. We go straight from the gut, right sir? ... Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut that you have in your head? ... Now I know some of you are gonna say I looked it up and that's not true. That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut."